Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Eating The Cake

I feel like I am living a secret double life. It vaguely resembles Jennifer Garner in Alias, except without all the CIA drama. 

I am a professional ballet dancer by day who is posing as a wannabe Chef by night. I haven't been able to articulate this double-life concept to myself, but I am realizing I have always had a hard time describing myself the past few years after my new-found love of everything cooking. I am torn between two passionate worlds: One that I have been encompassed in for the past twenty-three years, and the other, which I have barely touched the surface of after a couple of weeks. I feel like I am on a glacier, and it is breaking in half, and I have to chose one side or the other. But, I just can't. 

I am enveloped by both. 

Living my life without each of them seems beyond the bounds of possibility. But, I also realize I am not willing to fully commit myself to one, or the other. 

Life seems scary without both. 

I took ballet class today, and I realize that I just adore dancing. It welcomes me like a familiar foreign country where I am fluent in the language: talking, shopping, joking, and blending into to their world. But, in the kitchen, I am visiting a land I have never been to before. I have read about it, in books maybe, and I know the basic history of the community. I can intelligibly make out what The Chefs are saying in their foreign language, but I can't always communicate back. I fit in, mostly, but it is obvious that I am an alien.  

Recently, my own comfortable domain has been turned upside-down. I have decided that eventually I do want to be a Chef. I want to study that language, become fluent, and live like I have with that familiar world of ballet. I want to step over to the cooking portion of the glacier. I know the dialect of ballet, and I am ready to learn another language. As hard, and uncomfortable, as it will be. I mean, you shouldn't always live in the same place your whole life. 

I can't have my cake, and eat it too. I guess I just want to eat the cake.  

All in due time.  


  1. Well said Kari. Keep up the wonderful writing, I love it so much.

  2. It's all about the journey. And thank you for the frequent posts. You're totally inspiring! I'm just amazed that you can cook all night and then detail it so beautifully the next day.

  3. Yes, yes a journey. To never be afraid to be the beginner, to always be beginning and always letting go of yesterday, that's a true life. And then, suddenly, remarkably, you discover that nothing you ever loved is ever lost. That isn't even a possibility. Your food will begin to dance. :-)

  4. Hmmm, kinda know how that is :) It is scary and I'm still scared today even after I've left dance for good and started looking into culinary schools--I feel like I'm ontop of a glacier that's cracked and I'm falling down the middle! I already miss dancing because it was my comfort zone but at the same time it's sooo exciting to be free to explore different "languages"! I love following your blog and wish you the best, even through your difficult "apprenticeship" at The Restaurant :)

  5. Thanks everyone! This was an amazing post to write. I am glad you all understand how I feel:)